the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
