New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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