Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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