So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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