I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
