his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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