how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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