i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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