nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
