the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
