I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
