Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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