Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
