i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
