i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
