did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
