you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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