if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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