and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You smell like stripper and shame
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
