I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
