and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
