anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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