A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
