i was born a porn star she said
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At least life still wants to fuck me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize