I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
