The maid of honor just puked.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize