I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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