I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
