It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
