Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
