it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We got so high we made milksteak
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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