her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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