I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
