we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
