just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
FUCK WHALES
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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