Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize