A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
