I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize