WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
