Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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