WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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