ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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