I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
