sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
