I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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