If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
