Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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