I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
