I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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