Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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