u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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