Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
