nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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