mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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