I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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