you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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