I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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