he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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