I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
