Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
