Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
