now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
